I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
