I wish they made helmets for livers.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
