If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
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I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
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Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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