She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
