my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
and she was petting her beer can
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
