Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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