you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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