no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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