why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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