a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
