i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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