im six kinds of drunk right now
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
