I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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