Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
