There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
