Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
