Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
