I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
