i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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