I am spending my child support on dildos
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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