I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
