I cut my penus on the lid.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
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i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My ass is underappreciated
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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