i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
