the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
