I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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