I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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