This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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