plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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