My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Randomize
