My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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