fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
