Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
