Umm I'm too high to move.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
