mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
