do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
