After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
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