I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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