Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
