Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
