we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
