I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
