I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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