News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I stole a fireplace last night.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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