I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
