guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You may now shotgun with the bride
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
