I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
