i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
