i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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