so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
My boob is missing a layer of skin
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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