the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
