I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
