i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
