I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
