The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
