dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
