u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
