Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
50% drunk capacity currently
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
