i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
