I think I won the penis lottery.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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