remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
