jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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